My Two Cents. . .

Back in the Saddle Again. . .

2010-04-20T10:25:00.000-07:00

Went back into the studio this weekend after six years of waiting for finances, or time, or both. Not quite sure what will come out of the work - one cd or two, all love songs, maybe some hymns, who knows. All I know is that it's fun to back in again.

The sound of rain outside while Nate mastered a song was. . . well, inspirational and comforting. You'll have to listen to hear what I mean. I can't wait to share it with you guys. . .

Fast. . . Fast. . . Fast.

2010-02-17T06:58:00.000-08:00

Ash Wednesday. If you know me at all, you probably know that Lent is my favorite time of year. I don't necessarily like it during the season, but I always feel some sort of loss at the conclusion - like there was more for me to learn - and sense of longing for that time of fasting to come back quickly.

Tonight, I'll get my smear of ashes on my forehead and curl up on the couch with a dear friend coming to be with me in a time of need. Quite abruptly, God has pruned some good things out of my life literally in the last few days, and I can only think that His timing is perfectly specific.

While I've known for many years in my head that Jesus is the only one that can love me perfectly, this past Sunday night I truly understood that in my heart for a moment. As we sang, "How He loves us, oh how He loves us" I was stunned at this new understanding of His affection. To feel so complete, so loved, and so whole for a moment in time - this is my hope for Lent 2010. That in losing those things that distract, I may learn to rest better in His love.

This little piggy went to market. . .

2010-01-02T08:38:00.000-08:00

Got a phone call from a friend this morning to go to the farmer's market with her. It was a very different experience than Farm Patch. I loved meeting the farmers themselves, getting to shop outside on a cool morning, and my favorite - the smell of the food as you came to each vendor. Basil, mushrooms, tomatoes, onions - all mingled in the air with the sound of the band warming up to play.

Tried half of a grapefruit without any sugar - delicious! And the bread. . . mmmmmm.

CPC Part Deaux

2009-12-21T11:32:00.000-08:00

So I'm sick. Been really sick for about a week now, and have been couch bound each evening after work. Sadly, I've missed out on two parties, some Christmas caroling with a dear friend, and some gorgeous weekend weather.

I've realized something this week, though. I miss running. I bought new running shoes and haven't even taken them out of the box yet because of the congestion threatening to blow up my face. So is this the first step to loving the outside jaunt? Missing it when it's impossible to go? I hope so. . .

Couch Potato Chronicles Part Uno

2009-12-09T15:00:00.000-08:00

For the last three weeks, I've been running. Okay, run-walking. On a treadmill. Yeah, not really running, more like slugging along at a fast jog. But it's better than lying on the couch watching television.

I just got this bug. I'm almost thirty two and at thirty I promised myself that I would definitely have a better decade than the last. Some changes I'd already made:

1. I've learned to love my alone time with my dog. Taking her for a long walk in the evening is way more enjoyable than it used to be. Let's face it, when I had a yard, she never got walks which is why she started jumping the fence.

2. I've taught myself how to knit and crochet and have great aspirations for other crafts. There's something other-worldly doing a craft that my mom, grandmother, great-grandmother and so on and so on did - very connecting to past generations.

3. I'm eating better foods - stuff I cook from scratch, organic fruits and veggies, and grass fed beef, recipes from Jewish kitchens like Challah bread and the like. Again, something that connects me to other women.

Sitting on the couch knitting while eating fresh Challah isn't offset very well by a leisurely walk with the pup, and of course, there's the boyfriend layer we all get. So running it is.

I've never been a runner. I have never liked it, but have always had this sneaking suspicion that running is like drinking beer. No one really thinks it tastes good the first time they have it. It usually takes a while to find that brew that changes the imbibing experience from piss in a cup to a truly delectable ice cold beverage. My first "great beer" was at Sea World a few years ago. I was with my friends Scot and Ashley and all their kiddos playing in the water all day long. Sometime earlier, I had suggested to Scot that we tour the brewery and his response was, "We are not going to some stupid tour."

At around 4pm, Scot grabs my arm and takes me to the brewery. I'm thinking, What about what you said earlier? He runs up to the security guard and says, "Are we in time for the last tour?"

"No sir. It started fifteen minutes ago."

"Oh man! Can we still have some free beer?"

"Sure, just go in there," as she motions for us to go into the pub section of this joint.

And the Oscar goes to . . . Scot Stolz.

Best beer ever. Ice cold. Perfect portion. Dark brew. Yum.

But I digress. You see, I'd been drinking beer for years before this day and faked my way through liking it. Is this what running is like? Do I fake my through it for years and suddenly one day it'll feel amazing? Who knows.

For now, I will nurse my sore knees (they never hurt in my twenties) and hydrate, hydrate, hydrate (then pee, pee, pee) and maybe Friday's jaunt will be slightly less impossible.

Some more new lyrics. . .

2009-11-12T17:18:00.000-08:00

Thought I'd share another one with ya'll. This past summer, I took my eyes off Jesus in a huge way. I turned my back on community - the best way Jesus has communicated His love for me. I spent a lot of time trying to "make something happen" that Jesus didn't want because He only wants His best for me. So this song is what comes. . .

Father I must confess

I've fallen on discontent

And bought myself a new dress

To see if he'll turn his head

But there's no sound from the phone

Another Tuesday alone again

Played the game til it hurt

Then he changed all the rules

Once again I've been cursed

To captain this ship of fools

But broken hearts they do mend

And given time I'll be lovely once again

Father I must redress

And find the one I once left

A simpler heart could've guessed

The first love loved me the best

I hope you can see the progression of coming full circle - and I hope that this is reflected in my heart as I make my way back to my first love.

An amazing article. . .

2009-10-22T08:13:00.000-07:00

For any friends getting married or standing in any weddings in the near or distant future... I've put this article on here before, but thought it was "time" to put it back out there. So before sending out your "save-the-dates" and asking someone to stand in a dress that no one will ever "wear again," read the following and ask if your girls are "up to the task."

http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001094.cfm

Some Lyrics

2009-09-22T08:41:00.000-07:00

I don't usually do this, but I guess I wanted to share a short song with you guys. I've been writing a bunch - enough for a two new albums as soon as I find a sugar daddy - but this song in particular speaks to where I am right now.

I realized that I have no difficulty saying I follow Christ or I love God, but the name of Jesus often leaves me tongue-tied. I guess this is one reason He is referred to as a stumbling block - even His name is hard to say.

So here's the song. . .

It's the word that's frozen on our lips
A beautiful stumbling stone over which we trip
And the cock will crow
Before we'll say Your name

It's the sound of the veil tearing in two
We surrender to darkness as they employ a borrowed tomb
The stone will roll away
Still they won't say Your name

And though silent, standing we'll be
The cry from rocks, flowers, and trees
Will bring mountains bowing low
Before You Lord
Before Your name

It's the power of a silent revolution
The kingdom is here now in the boundaries of every nation
The day is at hand
When all will say Your name

Every knee will bow
Every tongue will confess
That You are Lord of all
Jesus, Jesus

Comchurch Houston?

2009-09-16T09:26:00.000-07:00

Our first unofficial meeting of Comchurch Houston was last night. Jen called everyone (all four of us singles who wanted to get together) and cooked some amazing chicken enchiladas and we sat around the kitchen table sharing life together.

Last night was like filet mignon after months of ramen noodles. It was so nice to feel the freedom to be vulnerable and yet also have the freedom to speak truth into each other's lives. Thanks Nathan, Elaine, and Jen - you guys rock.

The Crafty Side of Things

2009-09-10T06:28:00.000-07:00

Pictures are forthcoming, but I knitted my first hat yesterday. Oh the power of decrease - figured that out and smack-bam I had a hat. Funny thing is that after I sewed it up, it looked more like a tube sock, but it stretched into a lovely hat that hopefully my sister will love.

Started a sweater last night. I don't have enough yarn for it - so that will be a fun purchase and I'm hoping that mixing dye lots won't be too annoying for me. I just really want the practice in more clothing items. There's some "intarsia" on the sleeves - skull and crossbones to be exact - and I have no idea how to do that, but I figure no better way to learn that to actually try! I'll take some pics of that as I go along, but as of yet, you'd get about 7 rows of garter stitch and a couple of sticks.

And one last project finished - my very own knitting needle bag. I loved the one I made for Kelly so much that I bought the exact same fabric and made one for myself. In lieu of taylor's chalk to make straight lines, had to use painter's tape - ha ha! Love that blue! Again, pictures are on the way.

On a different note, the go ahead has been given to make The Hobbit, only it won't be directed by Peter Jackson. But I don't that will diminish the quality as the director is the guy who did Pan's Labyrinth. So THREE CHEERS!

Some clarification. . .

2009-09-04T11:02:00.000-07:00

Heather asked me in a comment if I would ever think about moving back to College Station, the bedrock of community for me. I figured "hinting" yesterday wasn't what we do in community, so I'm going to lay it out.

I'm thinking of moving to Irving. Comchurch Irving has been there for awhile now and a part of it are two of my favorite "college" friends, Brad and Laura. I'm not "done" with Houston - not really sure if I should be - so I'm asking friends to pray for me as I make a decision.

I thought about College Station, and while it's not completely off my radar, I'm not convinced that it's where God wants me at this time. Although, I'm up for suggestions! If you as my friend have any opinion, please do share. Wisdom in a group of counselors. You know the drill.

Mmmmm Sprite. . .

2009-09-03T13:06:00.000-07:00

I'm on to week three of some serious stomach issues. I know, that's not the kind of news you share with the world, but it's me. I'll tell anyone just about anything. And filters? Nope, don't have none.

Anyways, I'm thinking the timing coincides with a few big changes. Dating bliss to singleness. Possibly going back to school. Maybe even moving to a new city that I always said I'd never move to.

I would appreciate the random prayers as I can only consume so much Immodium, and have much to do on the college application front. If only I'd done it right the first time can't be a thought in my mind as I make some new embarkations. . .

Gloomy Tuesday

2009-08-18T10:25:00.000-07:00

This would be the second in a row, but today is a bit different from last week's. Really it has more to do with the lighting in the bank, the clouds and the song my co-worker is humming from her cubicle. I can't place it, but I can hum right along with her. Lovely song.

I have to thank my old friends and new friends for how they unknowingly became vessels for Jesus' comfort this past weekend.

What a surprise to walk into Onion Creek expecting Jen and a random group of her friends only to find Andrew, Terri, Michael, and Aaron. Happy Birthday, Aaron, and what a joy that it happened to fall on this particular week. I had only an hour before spoken words of wishing to my mom regarding how wonderful it would be to see my old friends. But that would be impossible because how can they know to be here when I need them?

And Laura. . . how I loved hearing your voice on the phone. We both are so bad at long-distance friendship, and yet the joy I felt speaking with you reprimanded my laziness and inability to "make the first move" towards community.

Sitting on the couch with Kelli talking about relationships gone and relationships new. How rich are the times to just be with someone of like mind and relate the glories of God - how He brings some old friends together to slowly traverse the road from singleness to marriage and how He tears those things away from us that do not bring glory to Him.

Painting all day with Lindsay and Laci - and yes, my clock painting really does look "Alice in Wonderland" and I will be going through the looking glass.

To all of you, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

The Woes of Community

2009-08-13T09:21:00.000-07:00

Had the following text conversation with an old friend yesterday.

me: "I am indeed coming to family camp."

him: "Yeah, I know. Josh just told us you were coming."

me: "Well that ruined the surprise, but it's not like everyone is dying for me to be there."

me again, backtracking: "That wasn't meant to sound like a pity party. I just know I really don't know a lot of people and there won't be a welcome back banner. ha ha." (The laugh was a further backtrack, from insecurity, not humor.)

him: "No I understand what u mean. . . I get the same feeling sometimes and I'm around every Sunday."

Okay, one quick disclaimer. Some of this is paraphrased. I have a crappy phone in which I am constantly having to delete old messages. But you get the basic idea.

This morning I was driving to work thinking about this short little conversation and how at one time when I was in BCS, I had the same feeling almost all the time. I was surrounded by friends, surrogate family, roommates, all in a wonderful Community Church family and yet I often felt so completely alone - with a rock in the pit of my stomach that grew and grew until I couldn't bear it any longer and moved away.

I've had community since then on a much smaller scale, and have continued to feel the same loneliness. This summer a part of me gave up on it for a time. I was dating for the first time in ten years and found the "hole" partially filled. I had someone who was always attentive, always caring and wanted to be with me every spare minute. Yet I would see my old friends on Facebook pages and feel a real loss for something that never satisfied when I had it. Easy come easy go with relationships that aren't meant to be, and I am back, staring at the hole that never went away and sad that I used something other than Jesus to try and fill it.

True community is like Turkish Delight. It comes in small servings. It's enticing and delicious. But there is never enough of it. We are never sated nor should we ever be. We are left feeling more in need of it than before we first tasted it. Sometimes it is sweet but more often than not it can leave us with a bitter feeling in our stomachs wanting more, but fearing having too much.

I hurt for my friend who I know feels so alone as all of his friends are graduating and moving on, or getting married and having families, but I am also very jealous of his pain. He is tasting the joy of the kingdom in community even if it is flawed by its very existence in our fallen world. I hope that he recognizes this and follows after that community with even more fervance fully knowing the pain will continue to accompany the joy.

A Few New Passtimes

2009-08-11T06:33:00.001-07:00

I've been pretty busy for a while - new supervisor at work who I love actually WORKING for, and a boyfriend who is now an ex-boyfriend - all the while I have neglected an old friend, my blog.

So to reaquaint with you I thought I'd share a few new websites that have distracted me in those few rare moments of quiet that will now be much more frequent. (Dare I say I will write a few more songs and knit a few more sweaters?)

1. http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com What a joy! Every day a new entry of awkward and borderline angry notes from all over the world! From the angry roommate to the thank-you note wanting grandmother to the co-worker angry about the food in the microwave. Amazing.

2. http://www.theuniformproject.com A woman in New York is wearing the same dress for 365 days with different accessories to show that even in a uniform, creativity rules. For anyone who wants to explore a more eco-friendly fashion trend.

3. http://www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com It is what it says. And there are a few awkward family stories too. But don't get on your high horse - your family probably has many of those types of pics hidden away in old albums!

4. http://www.overheardintheoffice.com For anyone who loves NBC's The Office, yes, this could be where Mindy Kaling and B J Novak get some of those amazing storylines.

Some Cheese for my Wine

2009-06-24T12:53:00.000-07:00

Wow, that was a whole heap of whining! So unattractive!

Thought I would lighten things up a little bit with some fun news and for maybe some prayer from you my friends who still read this bit of timepassing silliness.

There's a whole lot of new music up my sleeve - enough for a whole new album. If I can keep myself from buying a Honda Metropolitan Scooter long enough, I might be able to lay it down. (But I really really want that scooter!!)

Tried to buy some tickets to the gun show from a scalper at the Astros game last night. He didn't think I was very funny.

When Everyone Else Moves On

2009-06-16T11:12:00.000-07:00

Moving to Tucson was supposed to be my leaving behind all that was, and for awhile that is exactly what happened. But some strange turning of the tables has finally been enacted on me.

I was looking over a friend's blog and found links to a whole slew of old friends from my old life - the time I keep trying to recreate with new friends in new places. One in particular I opened and started reading, hoping to find a clue or insight into the life I used to be an integral part of.

What I found was that this person had fully moved on - now had a whole new group of friends to stay up late having awkward conversations with, go on road trips with, and have late night walks around the local park with. (That's a lot of dangling participles, but oh well, I'm waxing poetic and slightly mushy so just deal with it.)

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it makes me a little sad to again be the one who's been left behind. I thought that by leaving Bryan I would be the one finally leaving after ten years of watching friends graduate, marry, and move on. I don't know if I'm even a blip on the radar, but I want to tell that person how much I miss them and wish I was still part of the mundane daily stuff. I think I knew this day would come, but I guess I thought it would be a little easier than it actually is.

That's it for mushiness for now. Next time we'll explore the frustration of being really hungry at work and having a banana that's not ripe enough to even peel - staring at you - eat me it says.

A little further explanation

2009-05-12T11:20:00.000-07:00

What did I mean by "Queen of the Dark Side?"

Take a look at my high school yearbook and you'll see a bit of a nerd with her nerd friends who just wanted something to set them apart. The boys were "The Force" and the girls "The Dark Side."

Insert inappropriate quotes here:
"Do not be seduced by the Dark Side."

"When I left, you were the Master. Now I am the Master."

"Is the dark side stronger, Master Yoda?"

I know, you're reeling with thoughts of what a nerd really I am, but there's something endearing about it, isn't there?

So we graduating girls listed by our names, "Musical, Forensics Club, Powder Puff, and Queen of the Darkside."

May the force be with you.

Queen of the Dark Side

2009-05-08T07:11:00.000-07:00

I'd like to think that the nerd who loves Star Wars is just a little cooler than the dork who loves Star Trek. Secretly I might have enjoyed a little John Luke Picard back in the day of Next Generation, but I wouldn't have admitted that to anyone. There's just something about the original show that doesn't so much have vintage but cheap plastic charm.

But last night, I found myself at the Thursday night premier of the J. J. Abrams version of this legendary franchise. It was a fantastic movie in it's own right, but possibly more funny was the shame I felt as I recognized each and every homage to that which came before. I knew my friend Justin could hear me chuckle with every "Live Long and Prosper" and "I'm givin' it all she's got, Cap'n!"

Truth be told, I've always been a Star Wars girl - with Empire being the greatest of the six movies. But for a moment last night, I had to own up to the Trekkie that resides deep in the recesses of my soul.

A Joke of Pandemic Proportions

2009-05-06T12:53:00.001-07:00

Take a moment today and catch "swine flu."

Grab your tape dispenser and remove a 4 inch piece. Tape one end under the tip of your nose and the other to the top of your forehead. Now with the saddest look on your face, walk into your boss' office and inform him/her that you have contracted swine flu.

Okay, so maybe it's only funny to me, but anything to add some levity to a Wednesday.

Picture forthcoming.

Undone the sweater

2009-05-03T15:41:00.001-07:00

My first item of clothing. . . a purple sweater.

A Day of New Beginnings. . . I hope

2009-05-03T15:34:00.000-07:00

The last few months have been strange. Who am I kidding? I could probably say that about every phase of my life.

Being an introspective person, I often step back and take stock of what's going on and so much more often than not, I am not necessarily happy with where I've been and yet I still seem to be moving forward. I know I'm not who I was, but how the heck did I get here? Sometimes I feel as though I'm drunk driving through it all - taking all the right freeway exits but missing whole sections of the drive just trying not to get pulled over.

For a moment, I'll stick my head above the water and catch my bearings. I feel a great change coming - not old enough for menopause so hopefully it's not my hormones, but actually God moving me towards the next step. There's nothing better than "Cathedrals" by Jump Little Children to commemorate a moment of reflection.

A Couple Crochet Creations. . .

2009-04-14T09:28:00.000-07:00

This is a hat I did that I'm not crazy about for me, but on someone else, it would be so hot!

Simple Mystery

2009-02-25T08:44:00.001-08:00

Early morning yesterday I took Lacey on her daily morning restroom run and thus began the day of mystery.

The patch of grass she most commonly uses is down by the dumpster so as I meandered down there half asleep, I noticed a six pack of cold beer on top of the broken water heater that's been sitting there for over two weeks. Hmmm, cold beer. For a moment I had a moral dilemma and then remembered that beer, bought, stolen or found should never be drunk before noon unless you want your friends to drop you off at the Betty Ford Clinic. Hanging on the fence surrounding the dumpster was a blazer circa 1982 - brown houndstooth with suede patches on the elbow. Someone was about to have an interesting morning.

One hour later as I left for work, I drove by the aforementioned dumpster. The beer was gone, the blazer was gone and in their place was a pile of plastic bins - empty. Nothing really interesting about that.

At 2pm, I took a short break from work and again passed by the dumpster. A lawn chair had now been placed in front of the plastic bins with a doormat in front of that on the ground. Was someone positioning themselves to charge for trash dumping? There was no one sitting there - perhaps they were now passed out from the beer. Who knows.

4pm - headed back to work and now saw a plastic container sitting on the chair and an umbrella by the chair. Was it getting hot?

6:15pm - coming home. Chair is gone, bins are gone, mat remains.

I live in a small ghetto in the middle of the heights, so who knows what was really going on. This reminds me of a story my dad told me from when he was an RA at Texas Tech.

He was silently studying in his dorm room when he heard the slightest noise in the hall. Someone had lined empty coke bottles from one end of the dorm hallway to the other - spaced about 1 foot apart. Dad chuckled, closed the door and resumed studying. Only moments later, he heard a noise again, looked out and the bottles were gone. Personally, I think it was a group effort - a vintage www.improveverywhere.com type prank.

So for all of you tired of the mundane and ready to tear your hair, find a small mystery today and let it bring you joy. And if the beer is there, be sure to help yourself at whatever time of day.

Injured.

2009-02-19T15:15:00.000-08:00

For two weeks now, I've been fighting some pain in my back. I pulled a muscle just under my right shoulder blade and have had a heck of a time healing.

I stopped working out - sadly - as I had finally reached a pretty good endurance level and was starting to see the results in the fit of my clothes. That didn't seem to help so I asked some of the boys in my life to carry things for me in and out of band practice. (Guitars can be heavy, and ha ha - I've started playing the bass at church and darn if those aren't crazy weightlifting tools!)

I have now the conclusion to the cause and continual injury to my back. Drumroll.

Crochet.

Watch out Grandma - don't strain yourself making that afghan! Anyways, mom said to work through the pain, and I have several more scarves and guitar straps on order, so. . . maybe we'll be entering physical therapy. What would that look like for a crochet injury? Suddenly I see myself on television doing "Sit and Be Fit."

The Newest Joy in My Life

2009-02-11T14:25:00.000-08:00

How did I not find it before? On the right you'll notice a new blog I'm following. She is perhaps one of the funniest people I know and I feel as though I have found the treasure of Blackbeard. I feel as though I've just found out about the show Lost and get to start it at the beginning on DVD - not waiting week to week for the next installment, but a full immersion! Oh yeah, her entry from a few days ago about a certain plane crash especially brought joy to my otherwise boring day.

Valanion

2009-02-11T08:22:00.000-08:00

Defined: an onion with valor, a brave or courageous vegetable.

Actually, the word verification on the comment left on my friend Kathryn's blog. It's the simple things like a new nonexistant word that brings joy into my Wednesday.

Happy Hooking

2009-02-10T14:46:00.000-08:00

No, I didn't choose a new questionable line of work. But I have taken up a new passtime: crochet. I've dabbled in it for a few years, even making a few badly made scarves, but something in me just switched on a few weeks ago, and I CAN'T STOP!

For some reason, being alone in the evenings in my apartment with the tv doesn't seem so bad if I'm creating beautiful things for my friends.

Um, a little extra reading. . .

2009-01-29T15:52:00.000-08:00

On the behest of a dear friend, I started writing some funny and inspirational stories not to be shared too widely until I figure out what the heck to do with all of it. Today one of them was put on www.theooze.com under the Faith heading. Would love to hear what you think of it. . .

For Michelle. . .

2009-01-28T09:03:00.000-08:00

This is not a eulogy for Michelle. This is literally for Michelle for our girl's small group. You are welcome to read, and even ask why in the world are you guys talking about this, and I'll explain later. But here's my answers:

What is your parent's spiritual history?
My mom comes from a Nazerene background and my dad was Methodist. Neither of them knew Christ until after getting married. They are both strong believers. We tend to disagree on lesser issues about church, worship, etc. And they love John MacArthur whom I tend to disagree with. We switched churches a lot - different kinds of churches with different worship styles, preaching, large and small congregations so I was a little confused about where we as a family really fit in growing up.

When did I feel the most spiritually bereft?
There are several times as a believer that I've gone through really doubting times. I tend to think of these as defining moments because while going through it all is difficult, each time I've come out of it with some new path or direction that carries a great deal more depth than the path I was on before. The worst was after a guy moved to Dallas. I was humiliated about a turn of circumstances at church, my parents weren't really talking to me, and my roommates asked me to move out because I couldn't pay my bills. Through some intense meetings with my pastor, I finally shared some abuse from my childhood that had finally manifested in some pretty self destructive behavior. I realized that I saw God as a disciplinarian in my life, not a loving father. And when it hit it's worst, I believed that He didn't exist - my words were hitting a silent barrier as I begged him to heal my broken heart and change me. (If someone at study tonight, probably Julie, knows how my parents talked to me and my brother, you may share it. I'm not going to write that on my blog.)

What events impacted my religious beliefs? (I think that was the question)
The impact of that complete brokenness and transparency certainly has been the greatest catalyst for growth and change in how I see the world and the Church. I realized the full impact of God using the base things of this world to bring Himself glory. Since now most everyone in my life knew the sin I struggled with, the deep hurts that made me who I eventually became, etc, I had nothing else to hide behind which is how I think God wants us to be. As much as I hate being exposed as the sinful girl I am, I know that here with the Church is the safest place to repent and grow.

I've been writing this here and there all day long and have no idea if this makes sense, but you guys always say I make sense, so I'll stop making excuses for myself. Miss you girls tonight and please pray for our practice!

My Upcoming Emmy Nomination

2009-01-23T15:35:00.000-08:00

Count my name up there with Mindy Kaling and B.J. Novak. I've got enough material for half a season of The Office. I'd love to share the stories with you all, but I don't want to lose my rights to publish. Ha ha.

Let me just say today's adventure involves a missing plant worth somewhere in the vicinity of $2.

Just look for my name somewhere in the credits 'cuz it's coming.

A Time For Change

2009-01-21T09:57:00.000-08:00

While the rest of the world reels from the impact of yesterday's historical inaugeration, I sit unsatisfied - not with the results, but with the commentary given by so many of my fellow Christians. I sit in a precarious position. Most of what I will say in the following comes from reading passages of scripture and convictions of my heart - one being a matter of interpretation and the other being as unreliable as the "inconstant moon" as Shakespeare put it. I am open to any correction as this is published publicly and do not want to be guilty of heresy, although I do believe that the very few who might read this consist of me, myself, and my alter ego Nicole-not-at-work.

So here goes. . .

Matthew 13:24-50 tells the story of "The Weeds." I'll quote it directly from the NIV.

Jesus told them another parable: 'The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field. But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away. When the wheat sprouted and formed heads, then the weeds also appeared. The owner's servants came to him and said, 'Sir, didn't you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?' 'An enemy did this,' he replied. The servants asked him, 'Do you want us to go and pull them up?' 'No,' he answered, 'because while you are pulling the weeds, you may root up the wheat with them. Let both grow together until the harvest. At that time I will tell the harvesters: First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn.'

Somewhere along the way, a whole lot of folks started calling themselves by the name Christian who would be more like admirers of Him, not really followers. It's easy to hide in our American culture where we are a "Christian nation" and we have "Christian values" in our government and follow a "Christian president." But times have changed. We've removed God from popular culture and marginalized Him. Consumerism has replaced immaculate conception and miraculous birth. The cross is reduced to a piece of jewelry or a "dress-up Jesus" refrigerator magnet. Christmas at it's worst is a glorification of the power of money and advertising and at it's best is a time for family and sharing with little or no regard for it's origin. And yet these are not the things which inspire anger amongst throngs of Christians.

What happened to prayer in school? Why were the Ten Commandments removed from the courthouse? These questions and so many more are often followed with a quick, "The forefathers intended this to be a Christian nation!" I would love to start a whole conversation on whether that was truly their original intent, but my focus here is on what is happening today, not from whence we've come.

That kind of cultural Christianity is taking its final ragged breaths and as we mourn the removal of all things sacred from all things secular, maybe we ought to take a moment to cast a vision over the days ahead.

Some seemingly pessimistic forecasts:

There may be a time when we are no longer allowed to worship in public buildings.

Christian radio will be outlawed and all Christian musicians will find themselves with no stadiums to fill.

Christian Universities will close their doors because their rules for admittance aren't tolerant enough.

Multimillion dollar parachurch organizations will have to lay off all employees because the government will no longer see them as non-profit.

Open Christians will be reviled by the media, popular culture - maybe even blacklisted from employment.

My answer to my non-exhaustive list? So what! We were never intended to be mainstream, popular, or "national." Jesus came for the sick, the weary, the downtrodden, the marginalized of His generation and He sends us to do the same. He tells us we will be hated for His sake, that we must bear our own cross, that our citizenship isn't here.

We've elected a new president and as he settles into his position, I still hear the mumblings of dissatisfaction and fear from my peers. Will these things they anticipate come to pass? Optimistically, I'd like to think no. I want to believe that the fears are unbased and that we'll look in hindsight over the Obama administration and see that we were wrong.

However, if they do come to pass, I want to point back to that passage from scripture I quoted before. In times of persecution, we are tested and indeed those who truly follow Christ will come forth as the purest gold. All that doesn't belong will be sorted out and separated. In leaving the good ol' days behind, we'll see what it truly means to bear a cross and walk in His steps.

That time of year. . .

2008-12-29T14:43:00.000-08:00

Yup, Christmas is over and New Year's is right around the corner. What does that mean? 31 years old. Argh. Okay, I was really excited about thirty. It sounded so mature, so debonnaire. But 31 just sounds over the hill. I know, I know, forty is the new thirty and fifty isn't over the hill. But 31. Thirty one.

So January 7th, bring the lilies. Play the requiem. Pour one out for the homies. Okay, I'm being dramatic, but it does seem strange to be that age. Wish me a happy birthday, and I promise to be a better woman at 31 than I was at 21.

Old Navy's Newest Product - Purity Pants!

2008-12-04T08:53:00.000-08:00

Did you know Old Navy is in the business of making modern chastity belts? They are the new chastity pants offered in multiple styles, sizes, and colors. There's the soft gray work trousers in both flared and straight leg. There's the wide leg sailor pant in various shades of khaki. And of course, the skinny pant used to lure, ensnare, and tease members of the opposite sex.

While thirteenth century chastity belts typically needed a key to "unlock," the Old Navy Chastity pant needs only dexterity and patience to gain access through multiple zippers, hook-n-eye closures, and buttons.

The lovely pair modeled by myself is a stylish charcoal gray and has - count them - two hook-n-eyes, one button and one zipper. Not fool-proof, but at least a tad bit difficult.

The most virtuous pair - desired by True Love Wait's pledgers everywhere - are the light gray wide-leg gray khakis. There are real buttons and zippers and then there are the decoys. Don't be fooled! These buttons do work; however, no matter how hard you try, you won't be able to open a THING using them.

Thank you Old Navy for keeping purity alive in an impure world. And don't forget to buy your chastity pants today.

Note: Pants may not prevent sexual activity. Can cause "wetting-of-the-pants" in extreme situations. May be linked to arthritis in long-term testing.

Not enough to go around. . .

2008-10-28T07:38:00.000-07:00

I am not very good at keeping this thing updated. So in the interest of not completely dropping off the planet, I'll take a few to just jot down what's going on here in Houston, why in the world I'm never on Facebook, and why I went from red hair to brown again.

I'm still working at a bank. It's not the most exciting job in the world, but it pays the bills and I'm going to be applying for tuition reimbursement as soon as I can save enough to go to school. I am saving. I know, to some this isn't a very big deal, but some friends know my financial past and understand the impact of me on a budget.

I've discovered writing. I know, everyone says they're going to write the next great American novel. I don't really aspire to that, but I'm having fun writing in my spare time (which I have a lot of). That's one reason I'm not here very much - there's just not enough to write about when all you do is write. Who knows? Maybe it'll pay the bills. . .

Last weekend we had the Comchurch 10 year birthday - ripe with material for a book. It was amazing and if you're living in Bryan College Station and you haven't checked out this church, I think it's high time you did.

My parents and I have experienced a bit of fire-proofing. The last year has been difficult and a definite growth experience for us. I've settled down a bit and they've opened their minds to hearing about things I'm doing.

I found a wealth of gray hair at 30 years old. I wasn't ready to let it simply grow natural, so I decided I could maintain hair color better if it was brown. The gray is way more noticable, but it's a reminder to go ahead and open up a new box of color.

Finally, I'm still not able to access email or facebook or myspace on a regular basis. I'm working on getting internet at my apartment now, so hopefully that will change soon. I'm so sorry for the disconnect and hopefully you will forgive me.

To avoid becoming a conference whore. . .

2008-10-07T13:04:00.000-07:00

. . . I need to make sure that I take all the greatness I heard this weekend and slowly absorb it. I got to attend the Renovare conference here in Houston with such minds as Dallas Willard, Richard Foster and Lauren Winner. After hearing six main speakers and attending two workshops, I felt rather sermoned out - full as if I'd just enjoyed beer and fajitas.

Well, I'm not a conference goer, sometimes by choice and sometimes by lack of vacation days, but I know that after hearing one great talk after another, the tendency is to simply become a commentator - "Wow, that was good. I feel convicted" - and never a reactor to the words spoken on stage.

If you get the chance, check out one of the above authors, or go to the website at www.renovare.org. It'll be worth your time.

Got the itch. . .

2008-09-10T15:34:00.000-07:00

Just took a gander at a coworkers pictures from a boy scout adventure with his son. It brought back so many camping memories - the smell of the fire, the cold morning air as I procrastinate waking up - man, I got bit by the camping bug.

I took a look at some of the pics from my trips up the mountain in Tucson and just wish I had someone to go with me now.

Domestic Goddess Inaction

2008-08-22T15:10:00.000-07:00

Thought I'd revisit the old post as a tribute to the laziness that has been my 2008 Beijing Olympic experience.

This is the first olympic games that I've followed closely - sitting on the edge of my seat during Laura Wilkinson's last dive, yelling as Jason Lezak finished a nail-biting relay, and fell madly in love with the Thin Man Dalhausser in volleyball. Of course, this is also offset by the morning (evening) broadcasts of the Today Show with my good buddies Matt, Meredith, Al, and Ann - yes, they are my closest friends right now as we spend the most time together.

So through all of the O-craze, I'm looking around my apartment thinking, Gosh, 400 square feet gets dirty really fast! But I don't want to clean right now! The Olympics are on! Sure, it's the commercial break, but I don't want to miss one second with Bob Costas so I'll clean when the week is over. What? It's two weeks? Oh well, I just won't have anyone over. Who cares! My closest friends are in the television and THEY can't see the mess!

I'm also humored by the fact that I am admiring these athletes whose physicality is lightyears ahead of where I dream to be. . . all the while, eating a huge dinner and lazing about on the couch. Certainly thinking about being that in shape counts for something, right?

Anyways, I will state for the record: yes, I am proud of our US athletes. Yes, I have loved and enjoyed the last few weeks. Yes, I am thrilled that I will be released from the enslavement of the O-games in two days.

Finding my zen . . .

2008-08-20T15:06:00.001-07:00

I don't even know what that means, but my co-worker has some new food to munch on. I wish I could bring my sound machine to work to drown out the noise. Does anyone have any suggestions? It's totally grossing me out.

Just a good read. . .

2008-08-18T15:51:00.000-07:00

For all those singles who are sick of hearing the cliches, I'll post this link again. I believe this might the single-most important encouragement I've received about where God has me and while I need to refresh my memory, I thought I'd pass along the joy.

http://www.pcpc.org/ministries/singles/singledout.php

Domestic Goddess in Action

2008-08-11T12:41:00.001-07:00

So I've never been a fan of meatloaf. I mean, listen to the sound of that word: Meatloaf. It calls to mind a middle-aged man who sometimes goes by the name of Robert Paulson. Meatloaf. A loaf of meat. Arrgh. It is virtuous only for the simple fact that it's cost is so minimal.

There I stood in my kitchen last night needful of some dinner, staring at my one pound of thawed ground beef and wishing I knew of some use for it other than Hamburger helper or tacos. Then it hit me: meatloaf. I looked at an old recipe I had to ascertain the ingredients. Guess what? It's not just meat baked in a pan. Ingredients? Brown sugar. Check. Ketchup. Check. Eggs. Check, check. Milk. Check. Onions. Oops. Saltine crackers. Gross. Substitutions! Ever tried Stovetop in meatloaf? Delish!

One hour later, I could take a deep whiff of the masterpiece I had created. Mmmmm. I tried some and much to my surprise I'm something of a meatloaf master. Should I add that to my facebook profile? "Loves To Kill a Mockingbird, writing music, and has superb meatloaf skills."

Eeeeby-Jeebies Crawling Up My Spine

2008-07-24T15:27:00.000-07:00

I know, not even a word, but to maintain my sanity I must post this. The newest addition to our team slirps her candy. It's driving me crazy. All I hear is, "Slirrrp! Sqwuimish! Perflummmmsh!" Since it gets quiet in the bank between 5 and 6pm, no one knows about this but me so without this blog, I would suffer in silence. Is there a kind way to ask someone to please stop? Or is this like Fight Club when Ed Norton becomes the zen center of his universe while Marla and Tyler "make some noise" upstairs?

The End of the Internet. . .

2008-07-21T14:52:00.000-07:00

There was this great commercial out a few years ago where this guy is sitting in his bathrobe on the computer clicking his mouse. The computer screen goes black but for one giant cyber-roadblock: "You have reached the end of the internet." He excitedly and somewhat fearfully addresses his wife with this announcement. I can't remember what they were advertising (kind of defeats the purpose of the ad guy's job), but the joke wasn't lost on me, as most are.

Anyways, I think I'm hitting the end of the internet. I need some blogs to read, or whatnot - anything but the OMG Celebrity gossip page on Yahoo.

Any ideas?

"Of all the idiots, in all the idiot villages, in all the idiot worlds, you stand alone, my friend." Michael Scott to Toby Flenderson

2008-06-11T13:25:00.000-07:00

We all work with "that person" and so since I've taken a break from blogging to concentrate on working harder, I thought I'd make my comeback a short commentary on the different stereotypes of I share my day with.

The Big Brother is Watching Paranoid Schizophrenic

There's one in every office. She always has a story about someone or something coming after her. She might typically have a messy desk and a slightly unkempt appearance to throw "Them" off the scent. Any change in company policy is met with trepidation and fear. Maybe some of what he or she says has some truth to it, but let's face it, I'd rather get fired than live with that type of stress.

The One-Upper

This is that person who always has it worse than you because let's face it, life is tough and most of us would rather be golfing. We're always whining about our job, but this guy always wins, even when he doesn't. I'll admit it - sometimes the drama queen in my heart puts me in this catagory.

The Food Commentator

This person can function in one of two ways. Either a) she always asks what you're eating. Clearly, I'm eating a microwave pizza. Clearly, the bag says Taco Cabana. Clearly, my mouth is full and I'd like to simply enjoy my break rather than talk about my food. She can further her cause by asking if you're sharing. Get real people. Pay me more, and maybe I'll share. The second "Foodie" functions as follows: he always asks you to pick up something from, inevitably, Subway or someplace equally as complicated. It's never a "#3 with a Coke" but some high-maintenance meal with this on the side and none of that and please oh please get the baked chips and not the fried. This is truly annoying because you've wasted your gas and you've been the weirdo in line ordering separate orders with separate money and by the time you get back with lunch, something is wrong with their sandwich and you're just pissed that they didn't order their own meal to begin with.

The Seniority Boss

Not to be mistaken with the Real Boss, this person thinks that being employed five minutes longer than you entitles her to a certain amount of authority. Nothing like adding a little "Assistant to the Regional Manager" to those business cards.

The Misnamer

There's always one who can't folks' names right. They call you Harry when your name is Hank, Michelle when your name is Nicole, and Grover because their dog is at the vet. What might make this worse is when the Misnamer is in Human Resources - the very person who handles promotions, raises and other such activities. Be warned: the HR Misnamer will never get your name wrong when you've done something bad.

The Cute Guy

When you started at this job, you looked around the whole office and decided who he was. So did every other woman who works there.

The Bathroom King

This can be a woman, but in my case, he's a King because he always leaves the seat up. I wish I had a nickel for every time he takes that walk across the office to the unisex seater. You can literally measure the hours of day by this guy.

The Passive Aggressive

In my case, a woman. She's sweet and very sensitive, and often shocked by loud boisterous behavior around her. Don't cross her though! Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, right? When the object of wrath crosses her path, the words uttered under her breath would make the hair stand up on the back of Howard Stern's neck.

The Excuse/The Blamer

He's got an excuse for everything and no one can ever pin anything on this guy. Who knows what makes him so slick that nothing sticks, but all I know is, I can't stand correcting this dude. Typically doesn't get along with the Passive Aggressive. One might try to control the Blamer, but oftentimes its better to just watch him dig his own trap to fall in.

The Sexy MILF

Yes, every office has at least one. She knows she's hot, but being a mom, the only attitude she has is to tell you when you're outta' line. Want some fries with that shake? Meow!

The One Everyone Knows is Gone Because the Office is SO QUIET. . .

Need I say more?

Okay, so this isn't a complete list. I do have a job to do. But I welcome your additions.

A little Norma Jean for ya'll

2008-05-02T08:18:00.000-07:00

I wore one of my favorite dresses to work on Wednesday - an Anthropologie-esk Stepford Wife masterpiece. What I neglected to check was the "wind forcast."

As I exited my car at Panera bread for lunch, the wind caught my dress and I gave a free show to all sitting on the patio. Omigosh.

You'd think I'd learn my lesson, but again on Thursday, I wore another flowy skirt thinking, "Today I won't be going out to eat so I'll be fine." Wrong. Fuddruckers patrons received a free show as I walked from my friend Angie's car to the front door. Darn.

Did I learn? I think not. Today I'm wearing another flowy dress and the wind is fluttering the trees surrounding the bank. Argh. Oh well. Anyone for a free show?

Ain't no cure for the summertime blues. . .

2008-05-01T08:39:00.000-07:00

Summer hasn't been a "great time" for me for many years. I'm not sure if it started before my years in College Station, but I know that depression was always more pronounced as my young friends went home or to camp for those months of June-August.

It's been especially on my mind lately because of discussions I've been having with friends about what really creates community among the church. For me, it's knowing that others know about my seasonal depression. It's being known so that my burgeoning struggles with insecurity and unhappiness are nipped in the bud because those around me continually reminding me of God's promises that everything is going to be okay.

I guess that sounds selfish to some, but in this time, that's what the church needs to be to me. My question then becomes how can I better be the church to others? (That's not rhetorical. . . )

So, it's a downer today, but hopefully some humor will eke it's way back into this journal of sorts.

Um. . . Yeah

2008-04-16T08:58:00.000-07:00

Having an Office Space moment here at work. We have these reports we have to file in the case of a large deposit and somehow I've been doing it wrong. It's a big deal with the head honchos, not just at the bank, but above the bank. You get five missed ones and you're outta there.

Anyways, my supervisor has been getting email after email saying, "Um, there's a problem with these reports."

I now am having visions of gutting a fish and throwing it in the notebook holding all these reports.

A rose by any other name. . .

2008-04-11T10:35:00.000-07:00

Okay, time to be a little philosophical for a moment. I've been thinking about first names and last names and reputations and how things have changed over the years.

Back in the days of Ms. Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy (Pride and Prejudice), first names were off limits. You were addressed by your last name if you of marrying age or married. I, being the only single woman in my family would be addressed as Ms. Starch, my sister Mrs. Krall. To speculate for a moment: I wonder if part of this was formality, but also in reputation. Your last name would call into mind deeds of your family - Ms. Starch could bring to mind her father who was a Lt. Col. in the Air Force or her grandfather, the welder. Good men, so therefore good reputation. Now say you met a guy named George Fleiss. Is Mr. Fleiss related to Heidi, the Hollywood Madame?

So fast forward to today. It can take months to learn someone's last name. We typically know people by their first names and speak very informally to one another. Kind of like the difference between letter writing and email.

I know we live in a big world, and I know that to know someone by reputation is near impossible even in Houston alone, but I just found this interesting. I always have believed that your name and being able to stake on it is very important. A man who would cheat or cut corners and risk having that reputation attached to his name - well, let's just say he'd be marked off my list.

So for the record, it's Nicole, but Ms. Starch if your nasty.

Root root root for the home team!

2008-04-10T13:49:00.002-07:00

Baseball is officially started. This is my game. Since the days of Nolan Ryan, I've loved this game. Truth be told, I get more of my love for the game from movies like Bull Durham, Field of Dreams, For Love of the Game (no, I'm not obsessed with Kevin Costner) and of course possibly one of the greatest baseball movies of all time, The Natural. Yes, Robert Redford was quite a looker - still is for that matter - but honestly, I love the game. I'm sure as time goes by, I'll learn more about each player and will be able to say stats rather than, "Lance Berkman has pretty eyes."

The Astros are one of the reasons I decided to move to Houston. They aren't a winning team these last few seasons, and they don't have the tradition of some of the other teams, but for some reason, I just love this team.

Problem: my other "I Heart ______" team is the Rockies. My heart belongs to Texas but my soul belongs to Colorado, and after their season last year, I kind of want to check out how they're doing. But really, do I want to see one team get spanked by the other? It's like spectating a cage fight between my mom and dad. Who do you cheer for?

I'm definitely going to one of the games. Just have to find an accomplice. And I will probably cheer for the underdog because that's what I always do.

Oh yeah, saw the Rockies at spring training in Tucson last year. It was hot.

The Clothes Make the Woman

2008-04-08T13:33:00.000-07:00

Being a t-shirt and cargo pants wearer for the last few years, it's funny to look in the mirror and no longer see a twenty-something College Station girl looking back. Now I see this thirty-something Houston woman and it feels weird and strange. I have Stacey and Clinton to thank for this newfound style and my parents to thank for the new clothes.

It wasn't long ago that I sat next to Scot and Ashley while they flipped through the channels and saw a quick flash of the dreaded 360 mirror on What Not to Wear. I gasped and begged Scot to go back because I simply love that show. He looked me up and down and sarcastically replied, "You watch that show?"

Truth be told, I finally feel like a real woman. Like the Velveteen Rabbit, Jesus loved me so much that he rubbed the child away and now I'm Real. This probably seems weird to everyone who grew up after graduation, but it's very new to me.

I've said it time and time again, but turning 30 has been one of the best things to happen in my life and I'm thrilled to say it over and over again. I guess my mom knew what she was talking about when she called me a late bloomer.

Can't fool me twice. . .

2008-04-02T08:49:00.000-07:00

I believe myself to be a smart girl. I have a quirky sense of humor that looks for the prank in everything. I have an innate ability to sense a possible "punking." I'm the prankster, not the prankstee.

For example, my old boss at the church and I had this great "Jim and Pam" kind of relationship without all the crushes and such. Every day, he's walk into my office and toss a sharpened straight up to stick in my ceiling. I had about ten when I decided it was time to exact revenge. He was out that following Friday, and I finished my work especially efficiently in anticipation of the coming activity. Friday morning, I spent several hours sharpening 700 pencils. Yes, 700 pencils. I had to take breaks simply because the sharpener would start to overheat. Anyways, I then spent the better part of my afternoon on a chair in his office sticking all 700 pencils into the ceiling creating a sea of pencils. It was a sight to behold.

So does that establish me as a clever prankster?

Yesterday morning, I came to work at the bank for my first full-time day. I was thrilled to finally be a part of a great team and to know that maybe my paychecks might start paying my rent. Upon clocking in, my branch manager asked to meet with my head teller and me immediately. She seemed upset. We proceeded to her office, sat down, and really, you could cut the tension with a knife. She said that the main office in Jackson, Mississippi emailed her that morning that I was not qualified to go full time at work. My head teller started to cry, and I was ready to quit. Of course, all the ladies I work with came in and . . . April fools. Damn.

I thought, this is it. No one else can get me. I'm going to prepare my joke for next year.

In fact, here's one for you. www.gizoogle.com. A couple years ago at the church with the same old boss we decided to play a great April fools joke on the staff. We translated and printed the homepage to the church website through the aforementioned website. We ran into staff meeting with it and said that it appeared someone had hacked into the website. It was fabulous. Try and translate something through it. You'll get a good laugh. It's all Snoop Dogg talk - instead of "the pastor and the elders" it would say, "the pimp and hizzle hoes."

Anyways, can I be fooled twice? Yes.

This morning, I checked a friend's blog and he basically said he was moving permanently to another country. My heart literally fell out of my butt with sadness. I tried to muster the courage to comment on his blog that I was proud of him and this seemed like a good thing. So I clicked on "comments" and started scrolling through everyone else's congrats. . . and then I saw someone call him on it. Is this an April fool's joke? He had to fess up. I won't be speaking with him since I'm so mad that he pulled that, but I'm really relieved he isn't leaving.

This post is probably really discombobulated, but I am today in the same state. Happy April friends.

Oh for a pink LaZgirl. . .

2008-03-28T15:40:00.000-07:00

It's a good thing there isn't a recliner on our front porch. I do believe I wouldn't do a darn thing each morning as I sit outside and enjoy the day's first sip of coffee.

This morning found me enjoying that coffee thinking about how in my dad's hometown, Ralls, TX, folks still sit outside every evening on their front porch waving hello to each neighbor as they arrive home from work. The town is dying - heck, it might be dead now considering that I haven't visited in over 15 years - but people still hold on to that slow, easy way of living.

I thought then, Gosh, I love living in the country. Um. Yeah. Houston is the fourth largest city in the country, I know, and I can see the Williams Tower and hear 610 from the porch, but there's something slow about our little street. It's nice to see the elderly neighbors sweep their porches, and hear the announcements at the middle school around the corner. This morning, the man across the street simply waved to me the way my uncle would wave to passers-by in Ralls.

Don't get me wrong - I need the city. I need the movement of a downtown, and the excitement of the city lights coming over 59 after dark. I just was grateful this morning for the peace and quiet of Mayfair Street in the middle of this fabulous city.

What do you DO all day?

2008-03-20T14:19:00.000-07:00

I want to raise my glass for a moment to my three favorite websites and explain what I personally think is so fascinating and redeeming about them.

http://www.foundmagazine.com/

There's paper to be found everywhere - leftover notes in library books, napkins with lyrics on them, to-do lists lying in the gutter. If all of my random notes were scattered all over Houston, many people would see a picture of my life, a snapshot of the crazy thoughts that run through my head or the lists I make to accomplish tasks - to which I always add one or two things I've already done just to trick myself into thinking I'm not as lazy as I truly am.

Everyday, a scanned "found" item is displayed on the homepage, sometimes lists, sometimes photos, sometimes angry love notes.

My favorite so far has to be an abandoned note that inspired "Burdens" - song written for couples embarking on wedded bliss. It said, "I want to buy a lot of pretty things and shyly give them to you one at a time."

http://www.postsecret.blogspot.com/

This one is much more well-known, but recently some friends were looking through my old Postsecret book and seemed to think it depressing and morbid. I have to address this simply because I feel that while it is sometimes exactly that, it is also an attempt at forgiveness and redemption.

A few years ago, Frank Warren left postcards in random places with simple instructions: share a secret, something no one else has ever heard, be creative, be brief. While he only put out a couple thousand in library books, bus stops, etc, the response was astounding. Now four books and an internationally viewed website later, thousands have sent in their shocking, humorous, sad and sometimes incriminating secrets.

What do these secrets tell me about forgiveness and redemption? People are hungry to be told they are okay, they are normal, they are redeemable. Sadly, those who are looking for that justification from an anonymous posting to the world will not find the peace they crave, but isn't it encouraging to know that they are hungry for it?

We all have the "crazy" in us sometimes and it's good to be reminded that while we may know that our "secrets" have been forgiven, we can still relate to those who are looking for that same forgiveness.

Finally, http://www.improveverywhere.com/

Seriously, it's so hilarious. My personal favorite is Cell Phone Symphony, but each situation has it's own right to stand as some of the funniest innocent pranks of all time.

Movin' On Up!

2008-02-19T15:28:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I just thought I'd send out that soulful tribute to the Jeffersons as it's Black History Month. Hopefully, you read it with the sound of gospel singers ringing in your ears.

It is true. I'm moving out of the marrieds house into a house 'o girls. It's been an experience living off the grace of others for a year, but it's time to step out on my own again.

Still working two jobs. . . and as tired as ever, but this too shall pass.

I can't explain how wonderful it is to hang out with Lacey, my dog, these days. She's a different dog here in Houston. A true joy to watch at the dog park, and even more fun to cuddle with in the backyard. I can't wait for next week at the Erards, dog/housesitting where Lacey and Higgins and I can roll around on the floor and be puppies together. Yes, I did include myself in that reference and no, I don't think I'm a dog.

What's that on your face?

2008-02-05T22:36:00.000-08:00

Today is Ash Wednesday. Just thought I'd acknowledge it formally to all you readers (um, reader probably, meaning me as I like to read this blog turned personal journal) out there. Lent 2008 is here.

Unexpected Unity

2008-02-04T08:22:00.000-08:00

Anyone who has known me for more than five minutes knows how important Story is to my life. I don't mean, "When did you first meet Jesus?" - which by the way on it's own is very important, but mingled with the befores and afters of everyday moments becomes a way of seeing God's pathways through our lives. A friend once said to me that the moments that take us to our knees before God are the defining moments - where you might say, "Before this happened, I was destined to become this person, then _____________ (fill in the blank) and my life changed course." It can be as a simple as reading a book that alters your world view just a smidgen or as complicated as a broken heart or the loss of a loved one.

October 2007 - it's a Sunday night and I'm at Artifact, my lovely little Houston Community. I am introduced to a young woman, Kelli, who I immediately feel akin too, one of those kindred spirits kind of things. I assume it's because we have very similar lives - coming from similar places. Over time, I slowly learn things about Kelli that don't translate in my world - a healthy family relationship, friendships that have lasted for her entire life, the drive to finish things she starts, and on and on and on. And yet I still feel that we have these incredible similarities. Last night, we made a date to tell our stories to one another - we've been planning this for weeks. So post Superbowl, we sit in the loudest 24 hour Starbucks and start talking. Wouldn't you know, but we are like night and day and yet we have come to the same unifying conclusion of who God is, what relationships should look like, and how we are defined by both our past and our future. It's almost as if we were identical Mad Libs with different nouns, verbs, and adjectives, and yet because our Author is the same, we get the same conclusion.

Recently I've been trying to marry Story and Identity - who I am in regards to where I've been versus who I am as a new creature covered by Christ's blood - no longer I who live. For so long my identity has been defined by my past - see how far I've come - rooted in pride and sadness. Sadness for the fact that the old sins often plague me and pride because the journey seems to legitimize me. I'm realizing that while story is a way to worship God, it's not all there is to it. God is not defined by my story; who He is isn't necessarily who He is to me in a particular moment. Quite the contrary, my life is defined by who He is - every moment I change He remains the same. This was never more evident to me than in my time with Kelli last night. Our journeys are all so different, but our winding paths bring us to the same throne of truth. We can mesmerize over where we've come from, but that means nothing if we aren't heading towards Something.

Thirteen. . . beat that.

2008-01-30T13:08:00.000-08:00

Yes, thirteen sneezes in a row on the way to work today. I started counting on four because I thought maybe, just maybe, I might break my own record of nine (and a half, but that half was kind of a wimpy sneeze). Well, I did. Thirteen official painful and loud sneezes. I will be Lysol-ing my steering wheel this evening as I leave the bank.

The lady stuck in traffic next to me in the Town and Country mess took notice. I was only slightly embarrassed, but that passed quickly as I mesmerized in my own sneezability.

Would you hit a girl with glasses on?

2008-01-16T07:35:00.000-08:00

So I'm now a member of the four eyes club, at least in 7-10 business days when my new glasses prescription is finished I will be.

I picked smart looking ones - I need all the help I can get.

Ages like wine or cheese?

2008-01-10T08:16:00.000-08:00

Is it weird for me to say when I woke up on Monday morning feeling a little bit wiser? Okay, maybe not wiser, but I guess you could say excited about what the next decade holds.

Funny that one of my goals was to be healthier in this decade, be more self controlled about food. I guess God tried to jumpstart that for me on Tuesday with a horrible stomach virus (thank Ryan Riley - I blame you since you had the same thing!). I didn't eat for two days, and I'm still feeling a bit woosy. Ah well, such is life.

Tis Soon to be the Season. . .

2007-12-19T22:31:00.000-08:00

It's less than a week away from Christmas and as the Starbucks machine owns me for one last major holiday, I've barely noticed it's coming and soon going. Sad since up until a few years ago it was my favorite holiday of the year. Circumstances have squeezed some of the joy out of it this year, but I can't help but think that yet again I have to publically proclaim my love of a different holiday.

Christmas points to Easter for me - and Easter follows Lent. I'm not Catholic, wasn't raised in the faith of the Desert Fathers, and know almost nothing of the lenton fast as a Catholic tradition. A few years ago, we as a church family picked something to fast from in celebration of "looking forward" forty days - some picked things together, others on their own. Each year, I learn something new about myself. The only consistent lesson I learn on a yearly basis is that I hate fasting when I'm doing it, but I miss it when it's over. It's as if the fast is a tangible example of not realizing in the throes of trial what we are learning, but seeing so clearly in hindsight.

I have realized that the fast can be for purely selfish desires. I've seen myself fast from something drastic to see the look of shock on other's faces - "Man, she's like way holy." Hmmmm. More than anything, I look for some sort of applause from God, as if He's going to push through dimensions and give me a Mug Award (ask your nearest Starbucks barista) for persisting through the pain of not drinking coffee, or not watching television, or not having bread.

Of course, none of the cynicism of previous years mean that I won't still pray towards this Lenton season, hoping for my community to fast with me, and inevitably find that thing I can't give up and turn away from it for a season and find brokenness and sustenance at the throne of Christ.

For a good reading on fasting check out Lauren Winner's book Mudhouse Sabbath. She is my favorite author - favorite. Period.

Oh, and Merry Christmas to you guys. . . and cheers to Michael and Terri 2007!!

Um, this works. . .

2007-11-15T10:07:00.001-08:00

Just a quick little hint for anyone who might be trying a fast anytime soon. Time it to coincide with The History Channel Presents: Cannibalism and Extreme Survival. Yup, it'll curb any appetite. I'm not condoning watching television during a fast, just a funny coincidence in my life. I'm also not condoning announcing when you are practicing a fast, but being that I'm not really good at this or very experienced, we'll chalk it up to a funny story.

It's not all about the dress

2007-11-13T10:57:00.000-08:00

I wanted to post a link to one of my favorite writings on the subject of what it really means to stand in a wedding. One of my closest friends is getting married in a month and half, and the idea of really watching over their marriage as a community has just really been weighing on my mind.

I'm not going to try to get deep or anything. . . I'm too busy listening to my new favorite band, A Fine Frenzy. . .

But you should check out the article, and check out further readings by Lauren Winner, my absolute favorite author.

Beyond Being a Bridesmaid

Rethink. . .

2007-11-06T13:28:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to comment real quickly on the new Saturn commercial. Yes, I mean Saturn automobiles. They've just started a campaign called "Rethink" which is introducing their new hybrid line of cars.

What hit me about the ad is the examples they've used to show the concept of rethinking. First is a man's hand with loads of bling, and then a man's hand with a single wedding ring. Then there's the super pumped up weightlifter verses skinny old Lance Armstrong as the example of rethinking power. Then there's beauty which compares the teenage party girl vs. the woman who's holding her newborn.

I know, it's just a car ad, but they really did a good job of "getting to me."

Why the change?

2007-10-29T08:33:00.000-07:00

Because I don't live in the desert anymore - and Houston Humidity just sounded weird, but thanks Jaclyn.

Because I wasn't feeling the brown anymore. (Also, one of my friends has that same blog, and I don't like to wear the same dress as someone else in the room.)

Because I like change.

Because I wanted to pass some time before having to work at Starbucks at 11:00am.

So, I hope you like it.

Favorite Office quote last Thursday night: "Dunder Mifflin: limitless paper in a paperless world."

Takin' Care of Bidness. . .

2007-10-28T06:58:00.000-07:00

So I've been hanging with Laura Hattox of the post below and the Stolz kids this weekend. It's been pretty crazy with soccer and dog walks and cooking for kids, and yet probably the best babysitting experience ever. Laura and I kept waiting for something to go wrong - something like one of the kids vomiting in bed or the like. Never happened. It's nights like this that make singles think raising kids is easy. . . oh the deception.

And now I'd like to thank the Wedgie. . .

Sarah Kate, the amazing 6 year old Stolz, is one of my favorite friends. With more personality in her little finger than all of the cast of Blades of Glory, she brings a smile to the face of even the most morose of people. Of course, she's extremely ticklish and we spent the better half of Saturday with her wrapped up in the giggles. I've started giving her little wedgies when I'm done tickling her, and she might be the only person I know who thinks that's the coolest thing in the world. At one point, I neglected to give said wedgie, and she actually reached back and tried to give one to herself. Weird.

Hopefully, I'll get some soccer pictures up soon. . .

There's no place like home. . .

2007-10-24T13:38:00.000-07:00

Driving down Westheimer yesterday, I decided to throw in one of my older cd's - refresh my listening ears to that which had previously inspired me. I skipped to number 15 - so familiar - on this particular cd, and was flooded with memories - some difficult, most wonderful, all poigniant - of my days in the desert.

One of the going away gifts I received before leaving for Arizona was a mix cd (remember when they were tapes?) from my roommate and dear friend Laura. She is a master mix cd maker (should that be capitalized as it is a grand title?) and thus I knew this cd would be excellent listening on the long lonely trek down I-10. There were some staples to make me feel at home - some Imogen Heap, some Snow Patrol, and even a little Ray Lamontagne. And then of course there were songs about leaving ("Well I feel like an old hobo . . . " great first line) and "Wild World" by the former Cat Stevens (what's his new name now?). But then further down through the list, you start getting the hint as to Laura's purpose with this cd. She is a sentimental girl through and through, although she may not admit that forthrightly, and wants nothing more than to have one leave only to be overcome with homesickness and return home again - or so it seemed when I listened closely to that latter half of "Arizona or Bust" (aptly named).

Number 15 is "Cathedrals" by Jump (Little Children). It talks of one person's travels to places like the Sistine Chapel, Notre Dame, and St. Patrick's Cathedral and how those places seem to only remind one of the places and people they've left behind. I must say that I listened to this song religiously for several weeks - repeating and repeating it so much that listening to it yesterday on the road I could almost smell the sagebrush of Tucson. Strange. . .

It reminded me of hiking through Sabino Canyon by myself and wishing that there was someone who could see it with me, or eating dinner with Kelley's and thinking that no one else understands how amazing these people are because they haven't sat at this table, or driving into the sunrise the day I left Arizona and wanting to share that pink glorious morning with a friend. Am I the only person who has these moments when listening to a simple 2 1/2 minute song? I'm sure I'm not.

I guess all this is a huge not-so-public thank you again to Laura Hattox for being inspirational - and for making me homesick enough to get my scurvy little arse back to Texas.

Cricketholla - The Shirt, The Mystery, The Legend

2007-10-22T11:36:00.000-07:00

Everyone has that one item of clothing that they simply won't part with. For my dad, it's his running shoes (stinky!). For my friend Ben, it's that worn out orange-y peach sweatshirt (it's a good peach. . . ). For me, it's my Camp Cricket Holler t-shirt. It's fabulous. No matter how much weight I gain or lose, it always fits. The fabric is so soft - like a shirt thats 30 years old. (Hmmm, yeah, it's about that old.) And of course, it's the logo tee that I find as a staple in my wardrobe.

These days, it's pretty much see-through as a day shirt, so it's been relegated to the pj's drawer. There are holes forming all around the neckline, and a mysterious white amoeba-like spot has formed right on the front. It's as soft as ever, but I worry that every time I wash it, what will emerge from the dryer will more closely resemble the lint screen than anything that can be worn.

Apparantly, Camp Cricket Holler is a Boy Scout Camp in Miami County, OH and has been around since the late 1800's. Thought I should look that up before paying homage to the Shirt.

I could get really deep about this shirt, about how the weird logo defines me, or how maybe this shirt is like my "binky" as a 30 year old woman, but honestly, I just wanted to talk about a shirt. Todd, I hope this explains the email address. . . cricketholler was taken, and holla just seemed even cooler.

A few other t-shirts I would like to pour some out for. . .

"My Bad" - Eve
- Random Shirts. If you haven't seen me wear this at least once a week, I don't know if you can truly call me friend.

"Fact: Clowns Eat People"
- Random Shirts. Do not ever bring a clown to a party where I am in attendance. If you do, then said friendship will be in jeopardy.

"Free Katie"
- Cafe Press. Yeah, sure, Tom and Katie are now married with Suri, but the statement still stands.

Some websites to check out for great t-shirts:
www.randomshirts.com
www.bustedtees.com
www.defunker.com
www.threadless.com

Earth To Nicole. . .

2007-10-17T11:07:00.000-07:00

Yes, I say earth to Nicole because for some reason, moving to a new city and starting a different part of my life means completely neglecting the one person who might still try to read this blog. So, to you, whoever you are, I hope you're still reading.

Currently watching Rosemary's Baby. Very shocking movie for the sixties, and a little frightening. I meant to only watch it for Mia Farrow's hair (so cute!) but I'm a little weirded out. Check it out if you haven't seen it.

Into the Great Wide Open

2007-06-29T15:26:00.001-07:00

Post number two for the day! I just wanted to give you guys some idea of the great fun Cara and I are having. . .

We took a night and went camping up in Spencer Canyon on Mount Lemmon. We accidentally got the most secluded and beautiful spot in the campground, and we definitely took advantage of the relaxation.

Cara's tent - when it's called a junior dome tent, it's meant to be a junior dome. My meaning: only small people in small sleeping bags should try to sleep in it. And don't under any circumstances attempt to blow up a double sized air mattress! Note the walls of the tent straining. It was a tight fit, but we'll forever see it as a bonding experience. (Next time, we'll be using my 3 man tent.)

Just as a side note, most of my camping experiences there has been at least one other person there who knew more than I did, or who thought they knew more than I did (not to be arrogant, but I've done a lot of camping!) so I was able to sit back and let them take the lead on building a fire, putting up the tent, cooking the meals. This would be the first time I was the "know-how" girl. Cara's not dumb - in fact, she's freaking brilliant, but this was her roughing it experience without "group leaders" or such. I have to say, I feel like a hoss now as does she.

And rightfully so. . .

Yep, that fire lit in like 2 minutes. And I never was a girl scout.

Chopping wood in to smaller pieces. I'm like freaking Paul Bunyon or something.

Cara enjoying the beautiful morning in the woods. What a night and we are exhausted, but it's the best way to escape the 110+ heat in the city.

A funny side note - well, maybe not too funny.

The wood we used for the fire wasn't so hard to come by. As we were driving up the road towards the mountain, we saw piles and piles of wood laying by the side of the road. It was from the guardrail posts that were being replaced all the way up the highway. We thought, "Hey! Free wood!"

Come to find out, the wood was soaked in chemicals. Now, that caused a little fear. What kind of chemicals? Were they dangerous? Um, our dinner was cooked in foil deep in the coals of said wood! We did a little research, and among other things, the wood is soaked in arsenic and chromium. Crap. But we're okay. We learned our lesson, and will only use fallen tree limbs from now on. Probably explains the ease of lighting the fire. . . ha ha.

Mamas, don't let your babies. . .

2007-06-29T08:33:00.000-07:00

. . . grow up to be cowboys. . .

Got to love Willie. I've been enjoying him in the car and in my room and just about everywhere these days. Thank you Starbucks for playing him at work.

Yesterday Ella brought me a series of pictures she had drawn of the three girls and myself. I held her in my arms to tell her I loved her, and then I had to explain happy tears. I really think that concept is truly above the heads of anyone under 10 years old.

The First Baptist Bryan youth came out to do some mission work last week. What an encouragement for Cara and I to get to tag along with some old friends and see this city through their eyes. Dinner on Thursday was a great experience as we sat across from two eighth grade guys who were the epitomy of future great catches. Okay, did you catch that? 8th grade guys - great catches. Talk about an oxymoron. Aren't all those boys just crazy messed up at that age? I've got to write their parents an email to tell them they're doing something well!

Wrapped up in purdy wrapping paper. . .

2007-06-11T15:11:00.000-07:00

Two months. All I had to do was earn money at my job, make the most of my time with the girls, and love on Eric and Jenni until it would be time to load up my car and with my dear ol' mom, head back to Texas. After leaving from Austin back in May, there have been a few times where I've thought, "My goodness. That's a lot of time to 'bide' before going back." Scot even asked me if I would be all right feeling like a "lame duck." I didn't think it would be that hard. It gave me time to really start working on paying off debt, to apply for school, and to fill out the dreaded FAFSA. (Not as hard as everyone makes it out to be, by the way!) But those things got done very quickly. Again I'd become distracted by movies online or laying out and falling asleep in the sun. I also realized very quickly that with an end date in sight, not many folks are too excited about getting to know you better.

Last week I said to my mom, "This last month and a half is going very slow and I wish I had someone to spend some time with out on the town. . . " I know God is good, and I know He wants to give me my heart's desire, but I still sometimes think He's allowing things to happen to "build character" and then I just see Him as the Dictator of Discipline instead of the Lover of my soul. Well, He loved my soul this week as I opened an email from one of the girls who long long ago was in the youth group at First Baptist Bryan. She was part of the "clan" - the girls who really became my whole reason for loving high school students - and we have a pretty colorful past. Some stories that still make us both blush. Her note was simple - something to the effect of "I'm doing an internship for the summer at University of Arizona. Mom said you were living here."

What a blessing it was to go and pick her up last night at the dorms! To get to see an old schooler and know that it wasn't for the weekend, or the week, but for the remainder of my time here. And how much greater to know that she needs me as much as I need her right now. I know it's campy to say it, but mmmm, God's good.

So about that title on my last post . . . I'm not going to elaborate online as there are folks who are directly involved and I don't want to disparage them anymore than they've already been. But I am going to throw this out there. Let's take some time to evaluate what hills are worth dying on. God is bigger than our rules and ideals and His holiness demands more from us than good behavior. Talk is cheap and rules aren't worth the paper they're written on if we show no love for one another and no compassion for the world.

Jesus wouldn't be funded by NAMB. . .

2007-06-03T21:28:00.001-07:00

I spent three hours with a friend at my favorite fish taco place in town today and this was the brilliant statement he made after much deliberation. I could go into detail, but there is so much more to tell.

Andrew - thank you for the reminder a month and a half ago to update my blog. I will finally take the time to do so tonight.

Tucson is quite wonderful in the summer - I sit next to my open window listening to the sound of frogs aplenty. Eric tells me that this amount of croaking isn't a third of the noise it will be in a month and a half. Amazing. Honestly, this better be a mating call because all that noise for nothing, well, that would be the kicker. Kind of the "Y2K" for frogs. The pool is cooling during the hot days and the evening stargazing with the talented background musicians (cue the frogs) would make the soup Nazi smile.

It's been a rough few months. After the mission group folks left, and Jaclyn left, and then my visit with Amy was over, I suddenly felt all alone. William Kyle Kelley was born, and time to sit and whine about my life was limited with Eric and Jenni as they had a better baby to deal with - and cuter I might add. Minus the spit-ups and very powerful gas, this kid is darned cute!

I could list the ailments one by one that have plagued me, but let's just say a couple weeks ago I again went to Walgreens around the corner to grab some medicine and the guy behind the checkout counter greeted me with, "Back again, Nicole?" No health insurance, and one sickness after another - well, it's been rough.

Once I stepped onto the jet-way in Austin a few weeks ago, however, I realized the cause of all the illness - I was homesick. I always made fun of those people who said things like, "Everything's bigger in Texas" or my very favorite, "You can take the girl outta Texas . . . " - well, you know the rest. All of a sudden, I was that girl. Within a few days, the allergies cleared and the painful mouth sores were gone. I was with my best friends in Papa Perez downtown trying to stay in the conversation.

The first first few major reactions to being in College Station:
Day 1 - I want to come home to College Station!
Day 2 - Um, I don't think this is right. . .
Day 3 - I'll ditch my packing duties and head to Houston to see Jaclyn. Yep, when all else fails, procrastinate.

Over the weekend, Jaclyn and I indulged in my favorite Texas pastime and probably the worst thing to do as a girl who really misses home - we weeded flowerbeds. Ever gotten your hands around a big fat weed and had the satisfactory result of pulling out every last bit of it? Honestly, there's not much better than that for me.

Quick story for ya: Terri came home once to find me weeding the flowerbeds at the Tanglewood Home for Lost and Lonely Ladies. I was sitting on my rump with jeans pulling down in the back to reveal my "heart wearing a cowboy hat" tattoo, left hand pulling weeds and right hand holding a beer. So classy I can be.

Anyways, in all the wonderful gab time, God overflowed a desire in me to be in a career with high school students. It was what I wanted in high school more than anything else - more than marriage, music, anything and yet somewhere along the way, I lost that desire and it feels oddly familiar to be here again after 10 years.

We also discovered that University of Houston has a more lenient policy on maintaining old credits. If I went back to school in Houston this fall, I would possibly maintain my original hours earned from 10 years ago saving a possible $10,000. Wow. So the girl was coming home.

Now, where to live. Here's where it gets crazy. In an effort to involve close community in the decision, I called several folks to ask for prayer, and two of those folks happened to be Billy and Stephanie Newhouse, church planters in Houston. Billy and Stephanie just purchased their first home and asked me to come live with them. You can't imagine my joy as it seemed as though Jesus was running one step ahead of me yelling at every turn, "You won't believe what's behind the next door!"

I'm guessing that you might be sensing the excitement.

So, you might say, "Why go back to Tucson?" God isn't done with me here yet. I've learned so much from the Kelley's, from Second Mile, from new friends, and don't forget the frogs.

Last night I lay on the chair in the backyard looking at the stars and when trying to lower the back to lay down, a splinter became lodged in my thumb - right in the middle. I ignored it during the day at work, but as time wore on, the splinter dug deeper in and is now infected. Maybe I should go to Walgreens and get some medicine for it. Anyways, my point is that you wouldn't realize how much pain a little tiny splinter would cause. It's swollen and my thumb is tingly. I can't do a whole lot with my right hand all because of some minuscule little piece of wood.

Just like the tiny splinter in my thumb, there are still splinters in my heart - little tiny splinters that are making parts of the Body unable to function as it should. I feel as though I'm in the desert - the dry and dangerous desert - to seek the Lord's help to remove these splinters. I'm being pruned in some very difficult ways right now. I can think of no better place to be during this time than here in Tucson and no better people to help guide me through it than Eric and Jenni.

So you want to know about the NAMB comment? Well, let's just save that one for the next monster post. . .

The Air Up Here. . .

2007-03-19T17:27:00.000-07:00

Jaclyn and I on the ski lift up Mount Lemmon. Not the greatest photo, but I never claimed to be an expert. . . Isn't she adorable with one eye closed laughing about the guys who called us "foxy?"
The ski trails - honestly, I was told only 1 run existed, but you can see that it's about 20. I'm so excited to try this thing out. . . all I need is snow chains and well, snow.

Okay, so we still have snow. . . I just fell in love with the trees and the sun. . . and well, Mount Lemmon. Makes me miss Colorado!!
On our way down the mountain we found some amazing trails. We decided to try one out - Butterfly Canyon Trail. It was great, but we were suddenly at 9,000 feet and the elevation got to us. I wish I could lie and say, "Yes, we did the whole trail." But honestly, we didn't get too far. I blame the Heineken Dark at the ski resort restaurant.

This view is incredible. . .

Ah, the fabulous Jaclyn taking in the scenery. . .
And this is the backside of Mount Lemmon. . .

I think the stress of running between life and mission trip over the week really wore me down and there was a tiny respite before Jaclyn came in on Friday. If you don't remember, she was the girl at the going away party who made margaritas with the fabulous Laura Tilton and walked around taking pictures all night.

The best friendships are the kind where you always pick up where you left off, and hanging out is never a chore but restful. That's Jaclyn to me. We've known each other for several years now, and learned each other. It took all of that time to learn her birthday - November 22 (11/22 - gawsh) and she knows that she has to help keep me focused as my mind wanders mid-sentence.

Her visit couldn't have been better timed. I received some very hard news on Saturday and immediately had one of the only people in the world who knows me well enough to get me through it. She allowed me venting time and also the time to just forget and refocus on other things. God is good in how he controls our circumstances, isn't he?

We found ourselves hoping beyond all hopes for things that junior high girls plan together . . . maybe her amazing husband Blayton will get along with the future better half. . . maybe we'll vacation together once a year . . . maybe just maybe our dogs will one day get along. Okay, we didn't talk about that last thing, but that one is definitely just a pipe dream.

I found myself admiring even more deeply her marriage to Blayton and realizing that I am so blessed to have a friend who is a peer and my best friend, but also who I look up to and know that when the time comes she will be a voice of experience and wisdom.

I found myself looking forward to more time to know her more deeply and feeling so blessed that God would allow me to have a healthy growing relationship that really and truly honors him. . . so rare.

Well, I'm getting misty, and Jack Bauer is about to try and save the world, so I must dry up and get back to real life. Um. Yeah.

Chicken with my head cut off. . .

2007-03-19T17:15:00.000-07:00

Nathan is King of the Mountain. . .
Taking a quick water break on the Phoneline Trail.
The Lovely Jen Borden - freaking Andrew out as she sits precariously on the edge!

It's been a crazy week and to keep my head straight I'll break it up purely for sanity's sake. . .

Texas came to Arizona in a big way this week with the arrival of the Community Church College group - or that willing minority who would represent the Comchurch college group. Thank you so much to the nine of you and Scot who braved the flight and the drive to my fair state and who so lovingly brought "ya'll's" back into my life.

It was an eventful week of cold showers, long hikes, lots of sun, and tons of car time. I wasn't able to spend as much time as I'd hoped with the group, but the time I was with them, they worked and played very hard.

They blessed three different pastors out here - learning about suburban ministry in Tucson, to water and soda projects, to the Scarlet Cord and the Homeless. Wow.

Three cheers for you guys for working so hard, and may God multiply in you the things you've seen to take them back home. Thank you for ministering to me as well - and guys, I hope your brackets take you far!

Lobster Tales. . .

2007-03-02T17:50:00.000-08:00

Picture from false peak number 3 of Blackett's Ridge. . .
The above picture is of some Fishhook cactus - one reason why jello legs and sunburn aren't such a good thing on hikes. Below - Blackett's from the base. Doesn't look too hard, does it?

I took a hike about a week ago up to Blackett's Ridge, definitely a cardio workout and not something to do in the middle of the day. I came back sunburned like a lobster and very jello-y. Pretty much knocked me out of commission for the rest of the day, but man, it was gorgeous. Nothing like seeing the city of Tucson from up above, realizing what a huge city this is and how beautiful it is from a distance.

Up close, Tucson is very different. There is the abundance of money in the foothills, gated communities, b-mers and benz's, and so many resorts - one of which was graced last week by his royal self, Tiger Woods. Go downtown and you might see the occasional Hassidic Jew crossing the street, or go to Epic Cafe where the dreadlocks and patchouli might overwhelm. Go even further south - honestly, I haven't even been there yet. You'll find a South Tucson, Spanish speaking only, virtually untouched by the American church.

Why do I get all eloquent about this place? Because for some reason sitting on top of the third false peak of Blackett's Ridge (false peaks are God's way of saying, "Ha ha, tricked you. Let's see if you fall for it next time!") I had a tiny, really tiny idea of what Jesus felt when He cried for Jerusalem. I realized that in seven weeks, I've fallen in love with this city.

I love that all of a sudden, I'm the most conservative person in the coffee shop - I can't decide if that means I should get more tattoos or piercings or just accept the fact that I now look like a typical sidekick character on the WB.

I love that you can't throw a rock in this town and be sure to hit a Christian.

I love that God isn't moving here BECAUSE I came here, but IN SPITE of me coming here - that I get to join up with people weary from the task but still plugging away because it's their life, not their project.

Okay, so I've gotten a little ahead of myself. First let me tell you some news, maybe not so eloquently.

1. I have a job. I started a week ago Monday as a barista at Starbucks. It's hard work, but oh so fun. I honestly never understood why those people were so peppy. Yep, free coffee will definitely do the trick. So far, I love my co-workers and I'm hoping this will pay the bills as much as it's made me finally feel useful here.

2. Eric and I have hashed out a budget. (Scary organ music in the fashion of a old silent film plays here.) Thus far, it hasn't hurt too badly, but pain looms on the horizon as I deal with spending issues and debt issues. Man, Eric is a brave man, I tell you.

3. I've met some amazing girls who have become my church. I foresee God using these amazing women in great ways as we get to know one another.

So what does all this add up to? Well, the big announcement: I'm staying in Tucson. If this is coming as a surprise to anyone who's thinking, "Hey, I should've heard that from her FIRST!" then I'm sorry you're hearing about it here. I just really needed to get this out and I couldn't wait any longer.

It's been a long time since I've seen good fruit of God's working in my life - this last year has been very painful, and I finally see the fruit. What a joy that is, and if you've never had that feeling - assurance in hindsight of God's hand - then you are truly missing out!

Okay, so that's my post. Sorry for no new "Nicole making out with a beer bottle" pics - I know you're disappointed.

One more week until those crazy college students come out. . . I can't wait!!

If curiosity killed the cat. . .

2007-02-13T12:45:00.000-08:00

Emma and I had our first "date" - we took the nature walk in Sabino Canyon National Park. It took a LOT to get her to pose in front of this cactus. But you wouldn't believe how well she remembered the names of each kind! What a genius! In case you're wondering, the cactus above is Engleman Prickly Pear.
"Howdy, Mr. Giant Saguaro!"
Yet again, "Why is Nicole making me stand so close to one of these things??"
"These trees are tickly!" The Creosote tree - one of the only truly green leaves in the Bajada.
Emma loved to check out every sign - it made for a very educational date!

The weather here is so fabulous that honestly, you feel guilty for not going out every day that it's warm enough! The girls are learning to love the walks we all take in the canyon, and hopefully those "walks" will turn into hikes very soon! I think Emma is actually made for the outdoors. She has an adventurous spirit that is thirsty to learn, and is truly inspiring to me.

What a great first date in the desert!

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. . .

2007-02-10T07:49:00.000-08:00

A lot has happened the last few days, and I heard from a friend, "You haven't posted!" and darn it, she was right. I'll start with the hard news first so I'll end on a high note. . .

I still don't have a job. I have two interviews this coming week, but there won't be enough money in my account to make my car payment. That fact has led me down some pretty dark thought processes - one of which being that at 29 years old, I'll have to move back into my parent's house and flip burgers to pay off my debt. Crazy.

I really REALLY miss my friends. It's hard to go from community with so many to community with so few. Word of advice to you guys (you know who you are): value each other, encourage each other, and if you aren't too uncomfortable with it - give each other hugs. You wouldn't believe the value of a hug from a best friend until you're a thousand miles away and can't get one. I know that sounds cheesy, but get over it.

The good news, and it's REALLY good, so it makes the bad news not seem worse than a tiny splinter.

I had my first gig last night. I led worship for the CBA Leadership Conference. It was only 15 minutes in front of only men (awkward!), but as they were all church planting pastors, it might lead to other music opportunities. They of course didn't know the songs - I had to throw some Ross in there - but they sang along as best they could.

In little ways here and there, God is providing financially through people here. One friend graciously sent me a Walmart giftcard to buy supplies with, another gave me some gas money, and last night one of the pastors gave me a donation - funny that my only pair of jeans tore as I left last night.

I love the surroundings here. I feel so close to God when I'm in the outdoors, and since I have no job, I have plenty of time to enjoy the beautiful canyons, amazing sunsets, and clean clear air. Jenni and I have been taking walks with Mayah in the stroller almost daily, growing in our friendship and getting very buff arms.

The greatest way He is taking care of me is through the people at Second Mile. I've said this so many times, but it's strange to watch this group of believers sitting in a room, and to realize that in their faces, I see my best friends. I can't explain to you the relief to realize that I'm not alone, and to even anticipate bringing these two groups together - seeing the two work together as one. I am praying that over the spring break trip, we'll see an amazing thing happen in the way of supernatural unity - kindred spirits.

I know that none of this is very eloquent or even deeply spiritual, but I realized that I just wanted to lay it out for you guys so you know the "real" that is happening. Thank you for your prayers for my mom - she is feeling much better, and home from the hospital. She is also more deeply in love with my dad than ever as he took such good care of her while she was sick.

Well, we're off to Sabino Canyon!!

Jello Legs. . .

2007-01-27T21:07:00.000-08:00

This is me and the B-U-tiful Terri Marshall exactly one week ago today, finishing a not-so-grueling hike in Sabino Canyon with the family. A whole heap of fun, and dang, don't we look cute.
This is the mountain range from one vantage point. Actually, it's about 1/3 of the range surrounding the city. It was really breathtaking a week ago with the cloud cover. Pretty chilly, too.
Yep, Mayah looks AWESOME in her shades. Gotta get me some of those. So cute - you hold up the camera and she starts saying, "Cheeeeeeeeeeee . . . " and she won't stop saying it until the camera goes "click!" ". . . eeeeeese!"
I found Shiner Bock and Hef and Wild Oats Market. Went in to apply for a job, walked out with some beer. Yes, I'm happy. I also made Eric very happy. I didn't post the photo of him asleep on the couch after drinking one because, well, he is a professor and has to maintain some semblance of propriety.
Best kiss I've had in years.

Anyways, it's been a great week. I've had some amazing talks with some church-planting guys, some church-planting guys' wives, a few strangers at Starbucks, some dead-end interviews, and the best, the Kelleys. (That's not a kiss-up, honestly. I've gotten so much from those random "family" conversations.) What a blessing that Jenni and I have had a lot of time together this week to just be . . . God is growing our friendship, and I am so blessed by her. The house is very low-key and as I've been spending a lot more time on the internet, I went ahead and signed up for X-3 accountability. Scary - hopefully they won't flag my blog as "inappropriate."

Some questions I keep asking for clarity on from God:
1. How much strategy should go into our searching for what God wants from us a church? I saw church today in a great way - one of my old roomies and I had a great talk on the phone, she ministering to me, and I to her in ways that we've never done. I felt a great peace about our love for one another, and we weren't in a building, we didn't have an "attendance record," well, you get the point.

2. Do I belong here? At the end of the first week, I'm still pretty lonely. The Kelley's and I went on a pretty extended hike today for the girls - 2 miles. I could've gone the whole six, well, maybe, but I felt like I could, but you can't do that with a 4 year old. I know, it's only been a week, but I really want to find my place. I'm not discouraged, just anxious for the next thing to happen.

3. Will my puppy remember me in 4 months? Yes, a valid question. I miss Laci warming up the bed next to me, and waking me up to go outside where she will most likely jump over the fence to pee in the neighbor's yard.

So there you have it, musings at 10:30 at night. Not too late by some standards, but it's feeling later and later here.

The Blizzard of 2007

2007-01-22T16:27:00.000-08:00

Yep, we had a snowstorm last night. I wouldn't call it a blizzard being a Colorado girl, but apparantly "if the skies are blue, the sun is out, and the roads are clear, a snowstorm the night before is enough to close the schools and the roads." (Quote by Sean Benesh, Starbucks guru and my guide to churches in Tucson.) This would be the 3rd time Terri attempted to travel and was snow/iced in. Thought you'd like to see some photos of last night and this morning around the house.

Tucson or Bust!

2007-01-19T21:40:00.000-08:00

Terri and I left early in the morning on Thursday, three days later than planned. We trucked it in one day, and arrived just around 11pm. Not a bad drive. Some really funny moments, such as realizing that Texas has just about every kind of landscape, beaches, mountains, hill country, flatland, dust bowls, vineyards, farmland, deserts - need I go on? Probably not. But the trick is somewhere else in America is that very landscape - but much better. So here's the tagline we came up with for those "Visit Texas" ads:

"Texas: We may not have the best of anything, but at least we have one of everything."

Ha. Hope that doesn't offend ya'll too deeply.

We also marveled at the 80 miles per hour in West Texas. It's worth the drive just to go that fast for a few hundred miles - legally.

So in talking to a few folks, I realized that as a whole most have no idea why I would quit my high paying/no real work job to move away from everything I love to the desert where I only know 5 people, 3 of which are 5 years old or younger. Here's the lowdown on this process, how you can pray for me, etc.

About this time last year, I started really struggling with the idea of church. Some of you have seen the tearful struggle firsthand, but for the most part I tried to work it out with myself. I have a previous relationship with the Kelley's which almost led me to moving to Washington with them. Thank God He didn't allow that, but the idea remained in the back of my mind. I had a conversation with Eric and Jenni at the beginning of last summer in which we discussed many of the questions I was having about church. It was so refreshing to hear someone speak to the things that I had been wrestling with for the year. The answers Eric had come to were very similar to mine without the anger or confusion. I saw that there was a maturity I needed to acquire through experience instead of just philosophising about it, hence the decision to come here. God worked out all the kinks in the plan, such as a sub-leaser, a decent car, and company for the ride. I kept looking for at least one person to say, "This isn't a good idea" but it seemed that everyone either had been praying that I would make this decision or just knew it was from Him.

How your prayer plays into the equation:
I'm looking for answers, but I want to be humble enough to hear God's voice clearly. I don't want to be divisive or a "pot-stirrer" woman - I only want to know why I've had such unrest and confusion for the past year.
While I've also loved the people of Comchurch, I've very much disliked living in the Bible belt, but I'm not sure if I remember how to function outside of it. My best years with God have been in a very safe place to be a Christ-follower so I have a tidbit of trepidation upon re-entering a non-churchgoing culture.
I'm also not sure about my future with Tucson/Bryan College Station. I am open to God's leading, and am looking for a decision on should I stay or should I go. I know that will take time, so know that I'm not looking for the answer right now.
Please be praying for the mission trip over Spring Break. I will be meeting with several local church-planters in the next few weeks to discuss what we can do for them. Please also consider coming.
Most importantly, I miss my friends. They have been my "church" for the past year, and we've been through a lot together. I spent a lot of extra time with them this week as we got "iced in" and it definitely added to the sadness of saying goodbye for the time being. For me, this is a fast of sorts to remind me that God is my source of strength as in many ways I have replaced Him and idolized my relationships over the last year.

Wow, this is a very long post, so if you made it to here X then you get a brownie or something. I hope you all watched The Office this week - it was fabulous, and I will leave you with this quote:
"I don't understand how someone can have so little self-awareness." - Michael Scott referring to Andy, the new guy.

Peace out, geez.

Moving out. . .

2007-01-02T08:19:00.000-08:00

So the fear set in last night. . .

I moved out of the Tanglewood house completely yesterday into the Stolz's. (So grateful for Becky's room!!! Thank you!) I had a lot of time to myself as Scot took the kids to a movie, and Ashley was just getting the house straight after our Rockin' New Year's Eve Party the night before. I had a little more time to think about things like, "Holy crap. I'm leaving in two weeks," or "Omigosh, my car isn't finished yet."

Anyways, all that to say, yes, I'm scared. I've done this before, I keep reminding myself, but it doesn't get any easier. I've second-guessed myself, and wondered what I'm trying to prove, but all that I'll chalk up to cold feet.

It's a New Year, and only 6 shopping days left until my 29th birthday. . .

The Last Hurrah

2006-12-28T11:26:00.000-08:00

Not being a huge blog fan, this is a new thing for me but mainly a way of letting you all know what's going on in Tucson. Personally, I would rather tell you face to face, but that's impossible 2 states away, or over the phone, but I'm not a phone talker and neither are most of my friends. Thus I resort to the impersonal but very practical blog.

As I type this, I'm sitting at my desk at my job for the last few years. I have 6 days, 4 hours and 26 minutes left here at FBC Bryan. I should be working, but alas as usual there is nothing to do.

The Last Hurrah refers to these last few weeks in Bryan/College Station. I've been here eight years and for the first time feel as though I've "put down some roots," not a common thing with Air Force Brats. Eric warned me that these last few weeks would be hectic - visiting folks, and saying goodbye; packing and lots of free meals. Thus far, everyone is out of town for Christmas so it's been very quiet and lonely. I've barely packed anything, and I've eaten fudge and leftover Christmas food for two days. I can't wait for everyone to come home, just so I can say goodbye. (Does that make you feel guilty for staying away so long? Didn't think so.) I just spent a heavenly time with some of my closest friends in Colorado skiing, and playing hooky from work (Thank you Lord for blizzards!), and all that constant time with everyone made the changeover to "home alone" a big shock.

A couple of things I'd like you all to pray for and ask me if I got them taken care of:
1. Bills. I need to make sure to close accounts here.
2. Car. My brother was amazing to get so much fixed on my car. I still need to order new brakes/roters/drums for him to change. I also need to get a tire fixed, the oil changed, and a leak in my steering fluid fixed. I don't know how much this will cost, so pray for "cheapness."
3. Packing. I keep putting this off. I love the house I've lived in this semester, and will miss it very much. I don't want to leave my puppy, and all of that is causing me to procrastinate.

Those seem practical and easily taken care of, but I'm not the most "responsible" person and get easily overwhelmed.

Please also pray for the Kelleys. I'm so excited to go and spend the ensuing months with them and I want our time to be fruitful and full of joy. I want to take Comchurch to them in a way they haven't experienced in a while. They are still very lonely and in need of relationship. Pray that I'll be a blessing to them and not a burden.

Countdown of 18 days!!!